14 September 2010

An Anecdote Is The Antidote

Cheese food?
CHEESE FOOD?! What the H-E- double hockey sticks is that?
"Past-U-rized processed cheese food"!
If y'all have been on the internet as long as I have, you probably got the email some time ago 'bout how Kentucky Fried Chicken had found a way to birth chickens that, for all intents, looked like mis-shapened footballs...
All breasts, thighs, and drumsticks... and nothin' much else.
I think "cheese food" was probly born in the same labratory, just across the hall.

What IS cheese food?
YOU can't even tell me, can ya?!!
But I bet you're eatin' it!
Go open your ice box right now and pull out that stuff you're makin' greased-cheese sammiches with thinkin' it was "American Cheese", and take a look at what it says on the label.
Go on now! I'll wait 'til you get back.

It ain't what you thought, is it?!
You're eatin' somethin' you don't even know what it is!
Cheese food!

Well I refuse to eat something I can't begin to identify, and it's one of the reasons I have to go to Sam's Club...
Sam's big box is one of the few places I can find REAL American Cheese!
I buy a big ol' block of American Cheese 'bout the size of a loaf of bread... that sucker must weigh 12 pounds or so. We break it up into smaller portions and freeze most of it. But that way I know we're not eatin' something that some guy lookin' like Henry Waxman conjured up in a test tube, out in City of Industry, California!

We buy our milk at Sam's too. I bought six gallons of "Fat Free" milk yesterday and saved a buck on each gallon... paid for the 45 minute drive to Sam's with that purchase alone! One gallon went into the fridgidaire, and the others went into the freezer next to what was left of that big 'ol block of real cheese.

Of course we bought mass quantities of other things too... cereal, sugar, laundry soap.
And when ya finish checkin' out ya have to take your receipt to a person standing at the exit and show it to 'em to make sure you're not stealin' any cheese or anything.
Yesterday that checker-person was a young male, appeared to be about 18 or so, and if I had wanted to steal cheese he wouldn't have been able to stop me...
He was about the size of cousin Ziggy, ya know... little bitty guy.

When I walked up to 'im I smiled and said, "I want your job!"
He got a kinda confused look on his face and said, "Why?"
"Well, you get to meet and greet everyone comin' through the store, don't you? And we sorta have to have your permission to leave. You're a Bigshot!"
He shrugged and said, "Well, it's really not a great job."
I said, "Well, at your position, you COULD have fun...
You could point underneath the cart and shout real loud WHAT'S THIS?!!, like there's contraband under there or somethin', and scare the poo out of customers!"
He allowed as how he might upset his managers if he did that, and he needs to keep this job.
Stupid managers. They take the fun out of everything.
And they're also the type wantin' us to eat some nebulous football-shaped "chicken thing" and something called "processed cheese food".

They need to understand that a good joke or interesting story is what makes the world go 'round!
The whole world is just fallin' apart, ain't it?


jinksto said...

Oh man. I hate those guys... well, not them in particular but the thought that I have to prove that I didn't steal something based on the whims of an 18 year old before I can leave your place of business. They don't check everyone just the suspicious looking guy or the person that was too friendly with the checkout girl. (If you're too friendly they assume that you know her and that you're workin in cahoots to steal things.) That's why they look IN the bags that she just gave you... something that you didn't have while in the store and couldn't have possibly use to steal things.

I try to avoid them if I can. I glare and (sometimes) snarl. I want them to think that I'll be a trouble maker rather than hand over my receipt docilely. And then... if they still ask to see my receipt I pretend to misunderstand and say, "no, but thank you." and keep walking.

It's a little known fact that in public stores (Sam's doesn't count by the way) you don't have to show them a receipt. At all. Ever. If they touch you it's assault. Hell, in North Carolina if they detain you (even if they're waiting for the cops) it's considered Kidnapping unless, of course, they are able to prove that you DID steal something.

I've had managers at Walmart follow me to my car because I refused to show them a receipt. They were very wrong to do that. First, because I have a gun so you don't want to scare me too badly and second, because in most states transfer of ownership happens at the point of sale. That means, the cash register. The second I give the girl behind the counter cash everything that I have with me is my property. That includes the bags. That means they're not allowed to search them. Ever. For any reason... even if they can prove that I've stolen something... which they can't. Only the police can search my things with cause.

(note, this also counts for those stupid theft alarms... they don't count for anything.)

Sorry for the rant GB... pet peeve. :)

Greybeard said...

Gosh TJ, I was just tryin' to have a little fun here...
Here's my wrist, where's my razor blade?!!

Bloviating Zeppelin said...

I guess I'm a friggin Elitist or something; I only get my cheese cut from huge wheels or rolls in various delis, cut in slices on machines, fresh.

"American" cheese? I don't think there IS such a thing anymore, unless it comes from Tillamook. THAT is the ONLY cheese I'll purchase made in America. Because I went on a tour of their factory.

Also: I recently found a copy of a magazine called "Vertical," whose current issue had a featured article on the Marine unit that drives the president around.

This is a REALLY cool magazine. I'm kind of inclined to subscribe. It is VERY well done. I'm sure you've been reading that one for years.


Bloviating Zeppelin said...

And BTW:


Pictures pictures pictures pictures pictures PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES!!

Where are the PROMISED photos of the Guzzi???




By the way, did I happen to aks for PICTURES of the Guzzi???



jinksto said...

What BZ said.

Greybeard said...

You wanta see pictures of my bike?!
Okay... okay.
I'll push it out by the pond and take a few today while I've got good light.
Stand by.

cj said...

Geez... I guess they really do want to see photos...

And I'm sorry, I know it's processed ten ways into next year but I really like Velveeta for my grilled cheese and my mac and cheese...