My 200,000-Mile Checkup

"Have you registered with the VA?" my friend asked.
"No. Why? Should I?"
"Well, we were exposed to Agent Orange and they're now finding LOTS of health difficulties associated with it popping up in our peers. You need to register with 'em just in case you have problems later."
And so I registered. And they've given me a pretty extensive semi-annual physical ever since.
My latest was yesterday.

Height/weight/blood pressure/heart rate.
Cholesterol levels.
O2 saturation.
Blood work.
Pee in the bottle.
Take a peek at the eyes and ears.
Stethoscope listening to various functions.
And more.

My VA Doctor is a Pakistani female, complete with head scarf and now... wearing TWO face masks.
With her heavy accent and "muff murf stamig?" through the two masks, it's almost impossible for me to understand her questions.
But we muddle through.
She's VERY efficient.

My weight is down a little. My tinnitus is worse. PSA is okay. Cholesterol, Vitamin D, Sodium... all okay.
Neutrophils, auto... Neutrophils, absolute... Eosinophils and several other "Phils"?
Who is this "Phil" guy and why are they watching him so closely?
But apparently  all my "Phils" are fine.
The only Clinker in the closet?
My blood sugar. Thank you Mom. (Or maybe this is MY Agent Orange problem?)

My glucose level and A1C are both off the chart. I know why.
And we've all heard "Denial" is NOT a river in Egypt.
My glucose problem is caused by COUPONS.
Yeah, that's the ticket!

Burger King. Culver's. Little Caesars. McDonald's. Taco Bell. Wendy's. And tens of other fast food joints...
All send out coupons to tempt me.
And "Cheapo Me" takes complete advantage of 'em.
That's a LOT of carbs. And I think "Phil" is an expert at turning carbs into blood sugar.
I think Phil also loves the BIG nightly glass of Merlot.

But my relationship with Phil has to change.
My Pakistani overseer is now pointing a bony finger at me, promising me insulin shots if I don't get this glucose situation under control.
Her finger is a scary thing... reminds me of Halloween.

Retirement was supposed to be easy, relaxing, and enjoyable.
This is beginning to look a lot like WORK.
Where did I take that wrong turn?